#1 sign someone is a narcissist
#1 sign someone is a narcissist (or you are one yourself) is always needing to be right and never saying sorry.
...because they feel they never do anything wrong - it's the other person who is to blame (they "deserve" it, they're too sensitive, they took it the wrong way, they're too ____ or not enough ____, they made them do it, that's not what they meant, etc.). . 🤢🤮 . TRIGGER WARNING . . . My abusers made me feel literally INSANE. I'm not exaggerating for shock value or to make a point. I have experienced the hell of thinking I'm losing my mind.
What my body and heart were saying was in direct opposition to what my abusers were gaslighting me with over YEARS of psychological, emotional and spiritual abuse/indoctrination.
And yet I stayed because I loved and trusted them.
They used me for...
Manpower (I quit my job to help them open their dream business and lived off only TIPS)
Control (I idolized them and would do anything for them, including ending friendships and relationships)
Money (they never repaid me when I let them charge over 10k dollars to my credit card in addition to the thousands I also gave them)
Time (I couldn't leave them for too long or they would become angry, so I let things I loved slip away as I devoted more and more time to their agenda)
And yet, even after giving them EVERYTHING it still wasn't enough, so I was constantly taking turns with others in the group (or as I later came to realize, cult) by being sat down in a chair while everyone took turns in a circle telling me how bad and wrong I was, how I was "off the path". They wouldn't stop until I was a pile of apologies, regret and shame.
And if it wasn't me then it was someone else and I knew it was only a matter of time before it was me in that chair again. Oh, and I'd better participate in shaming the person who was being targeted or I would join them or replace them altogether. (Spiritual gaslighting and abuse is a very particular brand of nasty).
I felt as small as a grain of sand.
NO, smaller.
A speck of dust.
NO, smaller.
Nothing.
Yes, that's it.
I felt like NOTHING.
Like trash.
Human garbage.
Barely worthy of breathing air.
That is, unless they were shining their light of love and approval on me (just enough to keep me coming back for more). When I was "in" I felt like I was being blessed by all of the gods and goddesses in the Universe all at once.
I felt seen.
Loved.
Whole.
Except for that one black spot on my soul that grew and grew over time until it became a pit in my stomach so big that I couldn't ignore it anymore or get it to go away no matter how hard I tried.
My body & spirit never lied to me, but my mind did.
Almost every minute of everyday.
Just like they did.
It was their voices in my head after all.
And that ever growing black spot was terror. I was kept in a constant state of fear, but I knew on some level I was a fly stuck in a sticky spider web that I couldn't free myself from.
A cycle of build up, tear down.
They would build me up just enough to tear me back down again,
To syphon my light.
My power.
My magic.
My energy.
My essence.
Rinse, repeat.
For years.
But looking back, do you know what the one thing they NEVER DID that, to this day, shows me beyond a shadow of a doubt that I made the right choice in leaving?
It's wild that after all of the horrible things they did THIS was my Hail Mary when I spiraled into self doubt.
That's how deep this programming went.
YEP, we've come full circle.
THEY NEVER APOLOGIZED OR TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT THEY DID.
Like ever.
And that my lovely friends, is f8cked up.
We are human beings.
We are fallible.
We're here to learn.
And part of that process is f8cking up sometimes.
So that we can learn.
To get better so that we can do better, choose better, BE better.
And I don't mean better in some judgy way...I mean better, as in evolving, ascending, learning how to EMBODY UNCONDITIONAL LOVE so that we can anchor heaven on earth in our bodies and shine our beautiful bright light.
Become better at sharing our unique wisdom and medicine with the world.
So if you find yourself surrounded by people who seem incapable of sincerely saying they're sorry OR you are the one who can never be wrong (narcissists often don't realize they're narcissists), then PLEASE pivot.
Shift.
Make a different choice.
Don't be afraid to leave that toxic person or situation.
Or to start saying you're sorry for the ways you've hurt other people.
It's okay.
We're not perfect and no one is expecting us to be.
Perfectionism is a trauma response.
So is narcissism.
Don't wait my beautiful friends.
Today is a beautiful day to evolve.
🦋
BIG LOVE to you all,
E
